I’ve taken a bit of a hiatus from the blog for the last couple of months. It wasn’t exactly a planned break, but something huge was happening in my life. Something which I had to wait to talk about to anyone apart from Joe.

We are having another baby!
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We have been lucky enough to conceive very quickly with all of my pregnancies but I have previously miscarried 2 babies. So far my pregnancy history has been;
Miscarry, Violet, Miscarry, Ezra.
So as I saw the faint second line appear on the pregnancy test I had a mixture of elation, love, excitement and a chill of anxious nerves. If I was to follow the pattern, I felt like I would lose this pregnancy. But no, this baby is for keeps. We will get to meet this little life. For now all I know is that s/he is healthy and growing well. That’s all. Yet we will have a lifetime of knowing each other better than anyone else! It’s quite mad to think that right now I barely have time to even think about this life growing inside me, with 2 other children to look after. But in a few short months this baby will become my #1 for a while. My primary focus!

This may well be our last baby.  Joe is quite sure about that but I am still undecided. Emotionally I cannot say how I will feel. Will I just ‘know’ when my family is complete? So, just in case it is our last baby I am trying to savour every big moment of the pregnancy. Even down to how I told Joe! I’m not sure how but I kept it a secret for 2 whole weeks after I saw the positive on the test, but I did. I ordered 3 t-shirts from a lovely shop on etsy. Thing 1 for Violet, Thing 2 for Ezra and a tiny little 1 month old size Thing 3 for baby. Joe and I celebrated our anniversary at the end of February and were able to go out and have a whole day together while my in laws had the children (who were both wearing their special t-shirts!). Over lunch I gave Joe his anniversary present. He opened it and held the Thing 3 top. A few seconds went by and then he twigged! I had tears in my eyes, he was so happy! The relief for me was unreal. Keeping this secret had been so difficult but for that reaction it was worth it.

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The first trimester has been very difficult for me. Mind numbing nausea and fatigue. I had exhaustion with Violet and Ezra but the nausea this time has been hard to cope with. I would get to about 2pm every day and feel my brain literally switch off. Just focusing my eyes and reading a line of text was so tricky. Thankfully that has now passed and at 19 weeks I’m feeling pretty good.

I have felt this baby kicking since 9 weeks. I felt Violet at 15 weeks, Ezra at 11 and this baby at 9. It was actually very reassuring to go to the 12 week scan and at least know there was a live baby in there as I could feel the wiggles already.

So that’s my huge, massive, amazing news. In less than 5 months we will become a family of 5 💜💙💛

Yesterday was our second wedding anniversary.  Without a doubt 18th January 2014 was the best day of my life and I don’t see any way of topping it.

 

Joe and I said ‘I do’ at Cooling Castle Barn in Kent.  A series of interconnecting barns and castle turrets on the drive make this place quite magical.

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I clearly remember every detail of the day… I stayed at a local B&B the night before with Violet, my parents and in-laws.  Hair and make-up arrived in the morning and it was a sudden frantic bustle of rollers, brushes, pins and powders.

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Time started to run away with us and at midday we finally piled everything into the cars and sped off to the venue.

 

Butterflies were kicking in but my main concern right then was that I was half an hour behind schedule and still in my normal clothes!!

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Once we made it to the venue guests were arriving and I had to sneak into my room.  I didn’t have a bag or dress on me, just myself, my maid of honour and Violet who had filled her nappy.  The photographers were tapping their watches but all I could think about was that I needed to change a nappy.  Frantic phone calls to my mum who for some reason had ended up with the nappy bag were made and eventually I was just ‘normal mummy’ again but with make-up, hair and pretty nails!  Phew!

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Once that minor hiccup was sorted, Caroline helped me into my dress.  It did feel absolutely wonderful to put that dress on, it will always be the best thing I’ve ever worn.  It fitted beautifully, pulled me in at all the right places and made me feel incredible!

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After a few photos we walked over to the barn.  The weather was perfect, the sun milky in the sky and no rain.  The Master of Ceremonies was a lady and she talked me through everything that was about to happen.  In truth I felt like I was starting to have an out of body experience by this point but Violet was a wonderful grounding force.

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I could almost deflect my nerves by making sure she was ok and fussing over her rather than feeling like everyone was fussing over me.  Once Caroline, my dad and I had been to see the Registrar and complete the last formalities we stood in the upstairs corridor.  We were ready.  Nothing else needed to be planned or sorted.  All I had to do was go and get married!

 

The music began and I had an instant surge of emotion.  Caroline spoke to me calmly while I tried to compose myself.  Then we walked in.

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I gripped the bannister as I walked down the stairs.  “Please don’t trip” I was telling myself!  This photo is very special to me as on the window ledge you can see a photograph of my dear grandparents.  They were everything to me and would have loved to have celebrated our day.  I glanced over to the photo as I walked down the stairs.

As I started to walk down the aisle I saw so many faces of our friends and family.  Everybody was here to celebrate with Joe and myself.  As I looked down the aisle I saw Joe smiling.  I had to keep a lid on my emotions!  We were ushered onto the platform and the ceremony began.

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Violet could not have been sweeter, she toddled around looking at the decorations, was lured back to my mum with the promise of chocolate buttons but ultimately came to sit at our feet as we said our vows.  It was so poignant to have our daughter at our wedding.  Perhaps we had not done things in the most traditional order but I can say that I will forever feel honoured that our first born witnessed our special day.  Once we were married and had signed the register we walked out to have a brief moment to ourselves and then some photographs.

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The rest of the day was a wonderful amalgamation of dancing, food, photographs, drinks, laughter, friends, family and fun.

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1545771_10152259637411654_1508918045_nFor our first wedding anniversary we stayed at home with Violet and a 7 week old Ezra.  I got Joe a print of our first year together.  This year after work we stayed in again and indulged ourselves with Homeland on Netflix and Ben & Jerry’s icecream!  We will go out in a few weeks time for cinema and a meal.
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Being married is wonderful.  An absolute union and formalising our family unit.  I look back at our day with a smile and also wistfully wish I could fit into my wedding dress again one day!!!!

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